How To Live Like a Rockstar When You are Not One...
Bogota Whores and More July 18 I asked him, “Where are we going? To a bar?” He replied, “With whores. A whores bar!” It would be an adventure in Bogota… I climbed Cerro de Monserrate in the afternoon to have a cool overview of the city. Well now that is a lie. I took the cable car up, which did the climbing. That was kind of a misleading sentence. I had to autograph a mob of kid’s arms with a...
Cold Bogota – The Coldest Place in Colombia, the Capital. July 17. The shelf life of Colombian women does not seem to be very good. It seems like a difficult task to find a woman under 25 in this country is not attractive. It seems to be as equally difficult to find a woman over 35 who is. It takes the edge off their knife of the future. I am also concerned about how far I am away from women...
San Cipraino to Bogota: Jungle Waterfalls and the Appalling French. July 16. I made friends with an American named Eric who was raised in Switzerland from the time he was 4 until he was 12. Swiss-German was his first language that he was fluent in and he attended a Swiss-German school during that time. His family went back to the U.S. when he was 12 where he enrolled in an English speaking school. Three years later when he was 15...
Cali to San Cipriano – Motorcycle Rail Trolleys 15 July I found a note that my Japanese friends from my room had left my sitting on top of my bag with their email addresses when I woke up. Apparently marijuana made me entertaining last night and they did not want to leave without giving me a way to contact them someday. Japanese are nice. Except in war… I hung out with a Chinese girl for a couple of hours after...
Popayán to Cali: Hanging Out With a Stoner. July 14. Maartje! I just want you to know that I am pretty high right now. I am in Cali. I am not sure the last time I smoked pot. Maybe in November. I was bored and I needed a weird adventure. Now I am stuck with ‘high me’ who is never very smart. That is why I hardly ever smoke pot. I am not sure why people would ever constantly want...
Popayán: Contention. July 13. There is nothing really more uninteresting than a semi-content man. Contention takes the edge off and dulls a sharp knife. I feel that right now in this awesome Colombian fling. It is why, as a journalist, settling down really does not have any appeal to me at all right now. Life with contention is too easy and awesome. But the feeling can not last as a man will get uneasy in time. So, it is nice...
Popayán: Colombian Rock Out. July 12. Table salt in Colombia comes in two forms; regular and diet. Diet salt has 40% less sodium. What is the point… Just cut the salt out. It makes me think of the massive people who came to Hard Rock Cafe and ordered a massive hamburger, french fries, onion rings, and a diet coke to drink, followed by a massive brownie sundae. Diet companies must make millions. ‘Knight Rider’ is ‘Auto Fantastico’ in Spanish. El...
Popayán: Heaven… July 11. Why is it that religious people need to try and shove their bullshit and their heaven in other people’s faces? I have made a decision on what I think. You have made a decision on what you think. Let us just leave it at that. But, no, they can not have it that way. Their system, their values, and the book where they read about an invisible policeman and heaven is outdated. We have governments to control...
Popayán: Plan A and Plan B. July 10. Learning a new language is hard to make yourself do. I try to make 35 excuses of why I do not have time to study to avoid doing it. Then as soon as I begin to study and learn, I think, “This is effing awesome. Why was I not doing this earlier and why was I putting it off?!” It is the exact same experience I have every single time I catch...
Popayán: Colombian Snack. July 9. People love my wooden sunglasses. I get a compliment on them nearly every day by someone. When people ask me, “What are they made from?” my standard response is, “I think a small Chinese child’s hands…” The reality is that it is probably entirely honest and that is pretty sad… My dates with Lucia include me carrying a Spanish/English dictionary like it is my man-purse. It is necessary for communication with her and vocabulary. My...
Popayán: My Hatred of Mass Tourism. July 8. Selfish girls piss me off. Well, selfish guys piss me off too but a selfish girl is more selfish than a selfish guy. She seems to expect more. When the football game has begun and you come to the hostel to meet your friend and I so that we can hurry and get to a television to watch the game and you show up late, make us wait longer so that you...
Popayán: The Nature of Age. July 7. My Canadian friends, Rob and Tracy, are travelling the world with a five year old. Makai is a really good little traveller and he hangs out well with the adults. They have to take him for out for doggie walks so that he can burn off some energy as is the nature of age. I am well entertained by him and their parenting process. My favourite thing he has said so far is,...
Popayán: The Phone Number. July 6. Hanging out with a beautiful Colombian woman for the day is a pretty nice day to spend one in Popayán. I met up with Lucia at 2:30pm and we went for lunch. She can not speak a word of English and my Spanish would be somewhere around 1% if I was to write a test. Last night when we were drunk, the alcohol made me intelligent enough that I could understand her. Slightly hung-over...
Popayán: This Country Rocks. July 5. The sound of a Gibson Les Paul is one of the most sexy sounds I know of. I have been listening to a lot of Guns N Roses again. Sometimes an album makes you play it, and the when you hear it again for the first time in three years or so you wonder why in the hell you had shelved the album for so long. That is what is happening to Appetite for...
July 4 This is getting out of control, but it is as much fun as I could possibly be having. Colombia has a New Gringo King! I am on a hot streak that is so awesome that I nearly burn things that I sit on… I woke up in a lot of dog hair from the shaggy creature that lives in the house of my friend Glory. Actually, Glory woke me up as she was on her phone all morning...
Popayán: My Crazy Sex Life. July 3. I have found the source. You know that ideology you have in your head about beautiful Latin-American women and you have a vague idea of where they are from but you can not pin-point the place? Well, it turns out that place is Colombia. It is crazy out there. The skinny ones are pretty. The chubby ones are pretty. If you like shopping, Colombia is two weeks before Christmas. Welcome to my crazy...
Cotacachi to Popayán: Changing Countries and Talking to Idiots. July 2. Changing countries is always hell somehow. Even as a wily veteran traveller, it is always a little bit terrifying heading into the complete unknown. By now I should be used to that slight feeling of un-comfort, yet I still feel it every time when I am changing countries. There is a new currency to learn the value of when changing countries, a new list of cities to geographically memorize...
Cotacachi: Inti Raymi Party of the Sun. June 30. Part 1: I met a random person in the Otavalo post office today who told me through my broken Spanish that there was a huge fiesta taking place in Cotacachi, a village 15 minutes away. Never interested in missing a party, I headed for the town on a $0.25 bus. Cotacachi is an almost entirely indigenous Ecuadorian community and it took me hours to find out what the peculiar festival taking place...
Otavalo: A Fantastic, Sleepy, Little Town. June 29. I like you Ecuador. I like your people. I like your scenery. I like how cheap things are. Your women are beautiful. Spending $2.50 on a daily set menu with soup, a plate of food and a drink is awesome. You possess the Galapagos. You have this wonderful little town called Otavalo that makes me happy. The only knock I have on you is your terrible watery beer. I hope that will...
Quito to Otavalo: San Antonio Rock Festival. June 28. A man spends his whole life hoping that the most beautiful woman at the scene will stare a hole through him with her eyes. Then on those rare occasions when it actually happens, it scares the hell out of him. My confidence was not prepared. And I like to think that I am a pretty brave and self-assured person. Some days, a man just does not have it… My Mexican friend Maya,...
Mitad del Mundo and Intiñan Museum June 27 It took two buses and 90 minutes to get to the Equator line (Mitad del Mundo) from Quito, but both buses were only $0.25. New Mexican friend Maya from the hostel came with me for a hang out day and we took a lot of fun pictures right on the equator line; hand-stands, reverse crab, each in a hemisphere, the usual… When we bored of that we decided to try some science...
Galapagos to Quito: Cold Weather is Toxic to My Skin. June 26. On the bus ride to the airport for my Galapagos to Quito flight, there were no seats left. The bus was actually leaving about 15 minutes early because it was already full and the only place to sit was on the bus step next to the chubby mid-50’s Ecuadorian bus-ticket lady who was the wife of the driver. As the bus pulled away to get to the airport...
Isla Santa Cruz: Casually Goodbying Gorgeous Galapagos. June 25. I met a young guy without a face today on Isla Santa Cruz. He was German, about 22 years old, and the entire right side of his face was bandaged. I asked him if he had a good story for me. He told me that he was riding a mountain bike close to Volcan Sierra Negra on Isla Isabela and when he fell on his face and the gravel was crushed...
Isla Floreana to Isla Santa Cruz: The Vomiting. June 24. Time to get back to a center, so I went down to the docks at 10am to find a boat driver that was heading from Isla Floreana to Isla Santa Cruz later in the day and found a captain who would take me for $30. There are no tour operators and there is no one to sell you a ticket to get from Isla Floreana to Isla Santa Cruz if you did...
Galapagos: Isla Floreana Bahia Post Office Barrel. June 23. I found out at 6am this morning that the boat that the fantasy girls and their guide had organized would not be taking us to the Bahia Post Office, which is another beach very difficult to get to by foot on Isla Floreana. The Isla Floreana Bahia Post Office Barrel has existed since the 1800’s and it is where ships used to leave mail they wanted delivered in a barrel. If you...
June 22 I climbed a volcanic mountain in the afternoon and then spent the rest of the day drinking beer with a couple of older ladies, one of whom was Sheelagh from England, aged 63. Entertaining Older Gals. When the store that we wanted to buy beer from was on a siesta that seemed to be taking too long, Sheelagh went to the back door of the hotel and found herself in the kitchen. Against the wall on the right...
Isla Santa Cruz to Isla Floreana – Fantasyland? June 21. My nickname, Beaver, is ‘Castor’ in Spanish, French and Portuguese. It is the only name I use here in South America. I never use a last name and treat my first name like I am Elvis or Madonna. In South America you have to write your name often on tickets, and with no surname usually the man calling names from a group list smirks when he calls out only ‘Castor.’ ...
Galapagos: Isla San Cristóbal to Isla Santa Cruz: A Man Needs a Rest. June 20. Yesterday I changed hostels because I was having internet trouble. I asked the new hostel before I moved in if they had ‘Agua Caliente,’ hot water. I asked two different people at two different times. Both times I was told, “Si!” So, I took my bag of life to the room they directed me up the stairs towards. And then I did not have hot...
Isla San Cristóbal, Galapagos – Swimming with Sharks. June 19. On never enough sleep because I like to party as much as I like to tour, I dragged my ass out of bed at 7am to get to the boat on time. It was $80 for a day adventure to Kicker Rock/León Dormido to snorkel with sharks, rays and turtles. All companies are about the same calibre when buying the trip, but the price varies from place to place and...
Galapagos: Isla San Cristóbal Nude. June 18. Up at the crack of too early to meet my friends for an Isla San Cristóbal mountain bike ride though some mounds of earth that were far too tall for any kind of pleasure, including a volcano which is certain to explain that we were shy of level roads. It was $10 after some haggling in a center street store in Puerto Baquerizo Moreno, but we got six moderately good bikes. It has been...
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