Popayán to Cali: Hanging Out With a Stoner

  • Cali, Colombia
    Cali parkade.
  • Cali, Colombia
    It is July, yea, you should be selling your Christmas trees at 70% off.

Popayán to Cali: Hanging Out With a Stoner.
July 14.

Maartje! I just want you to know that I am pretty high right now. I am in Cali. I am not sure the last time I smoked pot. Maybe in November. I was bored and I needed a weird adventure. Now I am stuck with ‘high me’ who is never very smart. That is why I hardly ever smoke pot. I am not sure why people would ever constantly want to be stuck in this world.

Okay, I remember my plan. I am going to read your letter and comment on it.

I had to go and find my charger plug before my Japanese couple in my room went to bed. Japanese are so nice. They are like cute dogs the way they just want acceptance and nod in agreement when they socialize with you. The two in my Cali hostel room seemed to have had the time of their life tonight at 2:30am because I told them I had been to Osaka, Kobe and Tokyo.

Japanese are nice humans.

Oh yea, I was going to read your letter. I read the first part and that is when I decided I should write you and commentate on your letter, but I am high and I forgot what was in your first part, but I just remember that I was really happy to read it and hear your voice that I decided to write you and commentate.

Oh yea, it was your “Cali is fan-tas-tic!!” that made me laugh out when I smiled.

You are right I hate to dance so this probably is not the place for me.  Smart woman. Maybe Cali really is breathing dance and salsa. I wish I could say I felt that but I have minimal exposure and went and got drunk and I even danced salsa tonight. I faked it. I tricked some people into thinking I can dance. One girl who I told that I can not dance to came and told me that I am a good dancer after I danced with someone else. Then I danced with her right after and showed her she was wrong even though I was hoping to prove I was wrong.

Okay, so I am staying in San Pedro. No, that does not look right. I think maybe San Antonio. I walked to the Monday Bar in Cali which was a place called La Topa or something like that. I would check for you, but my notepad is in my back pocket and I do not have the ambition to get the name from there. I showed up here today and I am in Trosky or something that looks like that word. I went to .. Whoa, I fell into being really high and got stuck in a thought there for about 2 minutes. I am back now.

Okay, back to where we were. Wow am I ever thirsty. I would like a really short person to bring me a glass of water right now.

Oh yea, so I am not sure where El Viajero is. I even just copy and pasted that word that you used because I do not know enough of what that word is to know how to spell it. But I suspect it is full of Gringos. And let me tell you! I have been off the gringo trail for a couple of weeks. I seem to tell people three weeks but I do not think it has been that long, but it has been a blast. There are a few diamonds in the rough, but most Gringos bore the hell out of me. “I am from Manchester.” “I am from Frankfurt.” “I am from Sydney.”  Who cares! Show me someone from Popayán, Colombia!

I was very grumpy about gringos there. I will stop that. But I feel that. I feel strange. Like, I really like locals and I like to meet them but holy ‘f’ conversations are hard for me because my Spanish is so terrible. And then I wish someone would speak English and then I end up in a hostel full of gringos and all I want is to get as far away from them as I can so that I can meet real local people.  I am like a menopausal woman who is hot and then cold and then hot and then cold in 4 minutes.

But you should see how much my Spanish has improved. Being unable to speak English for two weeks really kicks the hell out of those words you can not remember and then you remember more. I feel smarter! I still suck at Spanish, but suck has become less. That kicks ass…

Oh yea, your letter. I am distractable.

So, no I am not in that word I was just going to copy and paste you again.

The salsa bars in the center of Cali. Am I close to here in San Pedro or San Antonio or wherever? I seem central. I am on the Lonely Plant Map.

Menga you say. Okay. I will hang onto that. I should write that down. I hope I do not forget that. I wish I had more ambition.

Yes, it was certain that the music would begin to suck as the night passed and the girls wanted to dance to pop.  And you are right and that is exactly what happened.  “I am a gringo girl and I just love new cultures.  Oh, can you play some American pop for us to dance to?”  I seen that coming. You are right. I am not into dancing. I showed you my best moves. I did a dancefloor slide though those legs of yours and you told me I am crazy.

No tourism here in Cali. Is that true. There is no Gringoland? Well, that is interesting. Why do I feel dirty and unsafe here when I felt like I was the mayor of Popayan? Maybe I should look around more. Hmmm. I will feel that thought more tomorrow. Not many hassling vendors you say… Hmmm… Maybe I am used to Ecuador and Popayan, Colombia as I had not noticed that, but you are probably right.

I have to pee.

Whoa! Big pee. It is because I am high and I forget to pee when I am high. High…

The Park in San Antonio… I am in San Antonio then! Thanks for solving that little mystery!

I went to a Death Metal festival in San Antonio de Ibarra in Ecuador. I was the only gringo. It was a dandy of a night.  It seems like you could get your names on a lot of things back in the day if you did something cool like find a river or say, “Thus Here Town, Shall Be Named After The One And Only Me! Thus Shall Be Henceforth Be Known As ‘Castor Villa’!” I would like to do that.

So, I am just going to tell you about my day. Then I will get back to the thinking. I woke up in a town called Popayán today and went from Popayán to Cali. The only reason I was there was because I was at a bus station in the first Colombian town once I crossed the border with an idiot Israeli girl. I had no plans but I decided to ask the bus ticket guy what was the better town to visit on the way. I had picked two towns.  One was called Popayán and one was called Pasto.  He picked Popayan to go to. So I skipped the other one and went there. And I had the time of my life.

I was there for 8 days. I was nearly a local. At the metal bar in town, I was a local. That was fun.

Oh yea, so I said goodbye to an awesome friend I made there today and I caught a bus to Cali. I checked the Lonely Planet on the way. I knew you liked it. I knew you were a dancing queen.

Then I got here and I found what you are telling me. You are right. There are not a lot of gringos here. I never see them on the streets. Hmmm. And I am disappointed to meet so many of them when I do. There was this American in the bar who sat next to the girl on my right who was a North-American-poser-trying-to-be-Colombian girl because I guess her father or her grandparents were. But I overheard this guy, this American who was working as hard as he could with his try-hardness, “You can tell me to get lost any time you like.” He was trying so hard because he really thought he was cool and smooth. I felt like I wanted to sit down with him and be straight up with him and tell him, “Buddy, you can not try so hard. You can not tell a girl that she can tell you to get lost.  She will never believe you have confidence now.  You can not come like a beat dog that could have had flash if he was not so timid while he tried to act tough. You will never get laid like that!” But, I guess everyone has to learn their lessons in life.

I still have not figured it out at all. But have figured out that some things are terrible if you are trying to get laid. I am trying to hone my skills. You as a woman in your place of contrast put up some tricky business. I feel like I should read ‘those’ books but I do not want to be that guy. I have been keeping up about a 20 year battle of trial and error. And I make the same similar mistakes and I always think, ‘Dammit, I knew better than that…’  I do not have a system or anything at all. I just talk a lot of silly things and I do not let on that I am as sweet of a human as I actually probably am. And now all I do is say exactly what is on my mind. That seems to keep them fascinated. I like to be blunt. I think I have been talking too much shit for years and I wish I knew then what I know now. Just talk real shit and smirk while you say things like, “The French are my least favorite people on earth. I have met two French people (our friend Jeremy is one of them) out of the 140 or so I have met in my life who were, ‘Hey that was a cool person. I hope I meet that person again’ after a night out. That is 2 out of 140. That is a terrible track record.'” I would like to have a liaison with a French woman to change my mind. I have always liked the Dutch, but right now the Dutch are ‘#1 country in the world’ in my books! They kind of have been for a while, but this trip has confirmed that that Dutch rule. People with ancestors who wore wooden shoes in recent enough times that my father remembers those days, are dandies! I like you folk.

Okay, the letter. I have been writing you for over an hour and now I am not going to get out of here for sure tomorrow. It is nearly 4am, awesome Colombian time. You are probably already at work in grown up time.

The copy and paste word that means it is close to where I am and it is a hostel. Maybe I should check it out. I was going to leave tomorrow but some Colombian woman who I met when I walked into the bar who told me her name was Annamarie told me an hour after I got there that I could ‘surf’ at her house as she rubbed her boobs on my arm.  And you know what, that trick works.  I may surf at her house. She does not get home until 7:30pm which is a hangup of how inconvenient I want to make my life to sleep at Annamarie’s house….  We will see in the morning, but it seems pretty inconvenient. I feel like I need an afternoon bed.

Cali is a safe place. Great! No, I am churched out! I stopped looking at them unless someone says “There are skulls in the basement!”

Local picnic on the weekend you say. Hmmm, I wish it was not Monday. I will never last that long. Okay, maybe two nights then! Maybe you are right. I like Colombia only because I have just been to Popayán so far. It was pretty incredible for me. I like the people and now nice they are. I am always on the edge and ready for someone to try to cheat me but they seem pretty good about everything so far. I need to relax some. Okay, I am glad to hear that the Netherlands keep throwing parties to remind everyone of you return. Si, hablo mucho Espanol ahora. Tengo une penis enorme!

Rock on, and thanks!


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