Quotes

Impress Your Folks With The Worst Mustache Ever

Pat had three batches of cookies baked and sitting on the counter, awaiting my arrival. I settled in and her and dad arrived an hour later. It is a shame I was not recording the moment when they entered the house. I was in the living room. As I entered the kitchen they both saw me and my insanity mustache, simultaneously. They both exploded at the same moment. Dad said, “What the heck!?” and he was laughing so much and...

The Meth-Quitter Coffee Shop Hider

As I got just past Medicine Hat, Alberta, there was a guy standing on the side of the road, thumbing a ride. So, I stopped and got him into the car. He said his name was Michael and he was on his way to Swift Current, Saskatchewan. Michael told me that he has been clean from crystal meth since November. He quit cold-turkey, so instead of being in places of temptation, he hitch-hikes all around Canada and sleeps in the...

Julie

Her criteria for sleeping in the evening was at a dingy motel where we could park in front, as parking directly in front has a direct correlation to grimy accommodation. To be honest, I thought it was a great idea as her suitcase weighed as much as a WWII tank, and I knew I would be carrying it…!

Generational Memoirs

I finished a major project today. I typed out 30 pages of my grandfather’s brief autobiography, to go along with my great-grandfather’s brief autobiography of about the same length. The part of my grandfather’s, who died in 1989, was handwritten and I am certain that no one had ever read it before I went through it. I have come across a pretty special family heirloom. I gave it to dad. Handing him the autobiography of his grandfather and that of...

Thanks Pussies!

I bought a really rad 1980’s grey pair of cowboy boots for $55. They are used but just barely! Whoever bought them must have found them too uncomfortable because they have two sets of insoles inside them. Pussy. But, I am glad he was a pussy because I came out with a rad set of boots for $55 about 30 years later! In very rare and specific situations, the pussies of the world can actually make it a better place!

Awesome Things People Say

“I tried to watch some porn on my phone, but it was so damn slow. So, I gave up. I watched the weather channel instead. It was more interesting. An old guy like me can’t wait like that…”

Bad Mustache Portraits

A girl I know who works at the license office and was surprised to see me come in. She said, “I love your sunglasses. And, that’s quite the mustache…” I said, “Yeah, I need a new photo ID so that I can shave this insane mustache off. I have been growing it for three months for this ID.” She asked with a hint of concern, “Have you been growing a mustache for this photo ID?” I said, “Ummm, yeahhh,” like...

Travis

“It is funny how that first taste of beer…it gets my knees bending a bit… ‘Get ready arms, there’s probably gonna be some air guitar later!’”

Awesome Things People Say

“I only clean shave for a couple of things: funerals, and so that it causes less irritation for her…when I am in a certain area.”

Timeless Foods

In the evening, Dusty, Karlee, and I went to her Grandmother’s house to look at an old suit that was there which I would like to have. The suit was from the 1970’s and still had ticket stubs from a raffle that took place on 14 February 1975 in the pockets. (FYI – First place in a 1975 raffle was a 12” black and white television!) Each ticket was $0.25 or you could buy a book of tickets for $1....

Quick Braining

I showered and then we went to a restaurant for Italian. I walked into the building just behind her. A man and a woman at the entrance were putting on their jackets to leave. The woman took one look at me and said with a hint of sarcasm, “Nice mustache…” Before my brain could even think, my mouth said the words, “Thanks, yours isn’t so bad too!” I said it so fast that I truly did not give it a...

Julie

I went to pick her up from her friend’s house. She and her friend went on a party last night. They were still very drunk when I collected her 08:30. She was in a black dress and still had on vibrant lipstick from the night before. I was laughing at because she looked like, “Last nights leftovers,” as she described herself. Her patchy lipstick was my favorite part! We got to her house and she told me, “…It’s like being...

Feats in Life

The job is finished so I moved out of the apartment. The man was home and I could hear him in his room, but he did not come out of the room. I left, locked the door, and stuffed the keys under the door. I have officially lived with a human for three months and never actually knew his name. I think that is a pretty incredible feat!

Boy’s Don’t Know These Things…

I got a message that she was mad at me for dying the sheets for the bed in my room pink. I did not dye them pink. Rather, it was the red towel that I washed them with which made that decision.

Irmante

I asked her when she is flying back to Europe. She said, “I booked a flight on April 20. It is on Hitler’s birthday so I’d remember what day I booked it.” Wow!

Region of Fort McMurray, Alberta

It is 01:12 and I am completely alone at the site in the middle of the forest. No one is around for about an hour of driving. There is very little light here. It is completely black outside except for a bulb on the side of the trailer. I just went outside to pee and I heard a noise. Of course my mind thought it was a the howl of a wolf and I nearly crapped my pants. I had...

Fort McMurray, Alberta

There are a couple of wolves out around this site that I am sitting in somewhere in the middle of the forest for work. I am at a new site, and it is very rural. The guy who was on nights when I was on holidays said that he saw three caribou here, and then a night later he saw two wolves, the next morning, a lone caribou (think ‘Santa’s reindeer’) came right up to the trailer. The wolves must...

Julie

“I’d never kicked a guy smoking crack out of my car before, so I didn’t know how to do it…”

Male Psychology in all Species

She is taking care of a dog for her friend. Buddy is an older, small, dog. He was depressed and would not eat for the first two days with his family gone. He did not like her because she was some stranger in the house. Then I showed up at the door and he was excited to meet me. We became better pals than he and her were. Then Buddy figured out that I was there for her and not...

The Highs of Life

Wine-drinking jet-tub bubble-baths with a pretty girl are not a bad way to finish off a long day.

Mustached-Gal Flirt Discounts

There were two girls running the store. One of them had a mustache and she was missing a front tooth. Clint was flirting with her and her coworker who was chubby. He told me, “You get the one with the mustache…” I am sure she heard him… Clint bought $170 worth of junk for entertainment and they gave him a huge discount so that he only had to pay $70. I bought $19 worth of junk that they charged me...

Gladstone

At work I was talking my friend Gladstone who is 55 and I said to him, “Hey, I am in my 30’s and when I drink water it does not seem to bother to stop at my stomach. It runs right through me and seems to go directly to my bladder. As soon as I drink water I have to pee. Does this happen with you and is this what happens with age?” Gladstone said, “I had a friend like...

Name Twins

We went to the Wood Buffalo for drinks. I heard someone leaving and say to our bartender, “Thanks Stephen,” but she said it like she would say my name. When our bartender came back to us I asked him how he spelled his name. He looked at me suspiciously and said, “S T E P H E N.” I said, “Wow, I have only met one of us before.” He asked, “Is your name Stephen?” Well, I thought my response...

What Do You Do?

I realized have a history of dating the cooler girl of the sisters. Of the girls I have dated in my life, if I have met her sisters, I have never once thought to myself, ‘I wish I had that one instead.’ I have always been glad, thinking, ‘Yeah! I got the best of the bunch!’ That it is my thing! “Hey, what is your name?” “Stephen.” “What do you do?” “I pick the best sister out of the family…every...

Hiding Me

Her sister was talking about how she used to work for a liquor store and she used to get all kinds of free merchandise. She was showing us glasses and trinkets. I told her that I have been on benders in my life where I have bought the box of beer which included a t-shirt just so that I could have clean clothes. She went silent and did not know how to respond to that. I realized could never show...

Flirting While Working

There is a woman who works in one of the businesses I get parts from who is in her 50’s, and there are hard miles on her, but you can see she was gorgeous once. We always flirt for fun when I am in there. She calls me “Darling” all of the time, though she probably calls everyone that. Today I dropped in to see if an order that we are waiting for had arrived. She checked and said it...

Lamb of God

‘Omerta’ by the band Lamb Of God ‘Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both For a wounded man will shall say to his assailant “If I live, I will kill you. If I die, you are forgiven” Such is the rule of honor’ Wow!

Gladstone

Today at work my friend Gladstone said, “It is amazing. When I do not have cell service in this valley, those a-holes will still manage to get me a message, ‘You own $207 on the 27th.”

Just a Thought

If you are the type of person who breaks a chocolate bar to share and takes the bigger half, or if you are the type of person who burns dinner and does not take the lousy burned part to eat, then 10 times out of 10, you are not somebody who I form a solid friendship with. Those simple personality identification scenarios are indicative of qualities that make your foundations of what kind of human you are!

Smart Sounding Word of the Day

‘Malcontent’ – Slip that one into your vocabulary today to trick people into thinking you are smart!