Mexican Bar Brawl
Mexican Bar Brawl.
-Live transcript of Mr. E.
In October, 2014, I went down to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. That is where Junior, one of my best friends, lives. We go down there to hang out and do all kinds of shenanigans. We go once every-other-year kind of thing… It was nearing the end of the trip of when I was supposed to leave. I went there with a one-way ticket and figured I would come back whenever I had to go back to work.
So, I’m hanging out with my buddy Junior and his dad, Senior. We were going to meet for supper one night. The mood was not good because Junior’s grandpa, Senior’s dad, had passed away. We went to go meet Senior and he was pretty upset about it. At the restaurant we had a big meal, whatever…we got pretty intoxicated. And then Senior, he was getting on a tear and he wanted to come out drinking. So, we went down to Los Marcos. They brew their own beer there. We had some more beer…got pretty loaded…it’s getting later now… It’s two in the morning… We wanted to go to Bolero’s. It’s right downtown in Puerto Vallarta. It’s a real scummy, little shitty bar. But it is one of the couple of places in Puerto Vallarta that has a pool-table.
At the time, it’s Senior, it’s Junior, it’s me, and I think we have two more kinda touristy folk with us. We’re hanging out with these guys and we’re getting drunk with them. So it’s five of us… We head over to this Bolero’s and it’s quite busy. We had to put our name on a board in order to play pool. We’re the only white guys in there. Get a couple of drinks and we’re hanging out. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on at the time but me and Junior are talking and bullshitting, waiting to play pool. Senior comes up to us…
Senior’s a pretty big guy. I would say he’s in his early 50’s. He’s taller than me and he’s bigger than me…probably 6’5”…and he probably weighs 250lbs or something like that. He’s a big boy. Senior used to be a shit-show redneck and he’s been in all sorts of fights. He’s all about guns and shooting and he owns hunting camps and back in the day he was a cowboy. He lived to fight. That was his thing… He’s toned it down over the years, but he was pretty choked this night and he was just kinda looking for trouble…looking for something.
Senior was at the bar and he was talking to some guy as me and Junior were talking. Senior grabs us both on the shoulder and he looks at us, right in the eyes, and he says, “Boys, we’re gonna get into a fight tonight, alright?” Like, ‘Be ready.’ That was kind of it. He just kinda looked at both of us and then walked away. And then me and Junior looked at each other and we’re like, ‘What the fuck? What’s he up to?’ But we’re pretty loaded. It all happened rather quickly, especially, thinking back at it.
Junior went to go stand with his dad and I remember I just had my drink. They had this little chair over in the corner and I just kinda plopped my ass on that and I just kinda watched. I was watching to see what was going on. The next thing I know Senior has picked up this Mexican guy. I don’t know what he did… I never even heard what or why… I think he was just in Senior’s way and maybe he said something to him that Senior didn’t like and that was his excuse. So, he picks this Mexican guy up and he basically throws him across the bar and then chases him to where he’s laying on the ground and gets on top of him and starts feeding him rights and lefts and rights and lefts.
And it all happened real quick and everyone’s looking around like, ‘What the fuck has happened and why’s this happening?’ And then all of a sudden, the whole entire bar goes kind of nuts. Four guys are jumping on Senior’s back and they’re like, ‘What the fuck?’ They are jumping on him and they’re hitting him. I’m up now and I’m moving over there and Junior is moving over there. We each grab one, punch one… Just a big brawl kinda fires up.
So, we get these Mexicans off his back. Senior keeps hitting him, but now we’re getting hit by all sorts of shit. By now the Mexicans have got pool cues. They’re literally picking up tables…throwing them across the bar at us…these little wooden tables. I’m just getting hit every once in a while with a wooden table that’s smashing me over the head. There’s three of them in front of me and we’re slowly getting further away…like me, Senior and Junior…we’re all kinda going different ways and I’m going towards the back. So I’m fighting one, getting hit by one, backing up, punch another one, getting hit with a pool cue, back, back, back…
Now I’m in a bathroom…it’s kind of a one-person bathroom entry thing…punch one…another one kinda comes ducking in and hits me and I’m wrestling around and it’s just a shit-show. I remember getting back into this bathroom and I took one of these Mexican guys head’s, and it was like something out of a movie…took his head through the sink. Like, what is this made of? That’s how easy it was. Shattered. Broke the whole sink. And water is spraying. And then another Mexican kicks me and I go flying back and the same thing with the toilet…I land on the toilet and that smashes into a million pieces too. So now there’s water out of the sink, water out of the toilet, and I’m pretty much KO’d in the goddamn…. I don’t know if the Mexicans didn’t wanna get wet or what the fuck happened there, because they kinda…I was half unconscious at that point. I’d just been hit twelve-thousand times by fists, pool cues, tables and all that…
So, I’m half KO’d, but I remember finally coming conscious and I’m like, ‘Okay, cool, I’m still alive.’ I get up in a flood of shit that’s happening in the bathroom. I make my way out the bathroom and there’s still just a shit-show going on everywhere. Senior’s still fighting three guys over here. Junior is over there. I remember one point in time where we’re all kinda mingling around, fighting, and we all caught eyes. As soon as we all caught eyes we all kinda moved together. So we all got back in one little group. This is already like three or four minutes…and that’s a long time…when all this shit’s happening. The whole bar…is destroyed…
We get together and we end up fighting our way out of the bar. Slowly, moving towards the door, but we’re still getting hit by pool cues and still people are throwing chairs, tables, and all this shit. I’m going to punch this one guy in the face and he goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” and he’s got a pool cue in his hand! He goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!” I actually stopped, didn’t hit him, I was like, ‘Okay, this guys doesn’t wanna fuck around…sweet,’ and then I turn around, I’m getting kicked over here, I turn around and go to wrestle or punch some other guy…BOOM…over the back of the neck with a pool cue. I remember him hitting me with that and I don’t remember what happened to this guy, but I remember turning around, looking at him, and I’m just chasing at him, grabbing at him, and hammering him, just choked that he fucking… He stopped me and then just waited until I turned my back and threw a pool cue over my goddamn back. CHOKED! Super choked!
So, we’re still kinda moving towards the door. We’re doing our own thing but we’re kinda together so it’s a little better that way…we’re not getting singled out and smashed by a whole bunch of them. We finally get to the door. They kinda leave us alone a little bit. We’re walking out the door. At this time now, my arms are massacred from blocking pool cues. I have cuts down each arm from just getting smashed with things, let alone everything else that’s hitting me. My face is beat in…
It’s pretty crazy. It was all the Mexicans versus all the white boys and there was only three of us. I think those other two guys that I think came with us…as soon as Senior threw that Mexican across the bar they fucked right off. ‘See ya later.’
We get outside the bar and we’re all looking at each other like, ‘Fuck are we fucked up…’ I’m bleeding all over the place. Junior is bleeding all over the place. And Senior…had his arm broke. It’s twisted backwards…like…backwards…from the elbow. And we’re just like, ‘What the fuck?’ and we have a little giggle, ‘Holy fuck…’ Like adrenaline is still…we haven’t actually felt any of this yet. Really. We’re just lucky we’re still alive and conscious.
We have a little giggle and we’re, ‘Okay, we need to get out of here,’ and all we hear is in Spanish…I still don’t know to this day what this guy said, but he’s somebody that Junior knew. This guy yelled something in Spanish at Junior, directly, and as soon as Junior heard this, he perked up, turned around, took off right back into the bar, jumped on this guy and started punching him and fighting him. He was just on top of him and punching him in the face. So he went back in for round two and I remember looking at Senior and his arm’s broken in half and I’m like, ‘…I guess I’m going back in there to get him…alright…fucking sweet…fucking…sweet…’
So I run back in there, kick a guy, throw another one off, grab Junior by the back of his shirt that’s in like half-a-piece, pull him up and I’m like, “Let’s get the fuck out of here man. Let’s go!” We made our way out the front door. Got with Senior. Tried to get down the street and out of there, but by that time…Cops!…everywhere. Locals cops were there. We’re all fucked up…it’s not like we’re running anywhere. “Okay white boys, you’re all arrested…” Awesome… Sit on the curb.
Let me give you an image of this bar as we left… So, that pool table is now not really a pool table anymore. It’s got blood, liquid, glass shit all over it. This place had a lot of places to sit, tables, and things… Those are no longer existing. They’re all in pieces, all over the place. The whole bar, all the glass on the bar, all the bottles…smashed. Everything. All smashed. The bathroom is shooting water out of it… The place is destroyed. The cops grab us.
Junior’s dad is pretty hooked up and he knows a lot of crooked-ass motherfuckers. He knows the police chief… Knows the general… He knows all these people. But it’s four or five in the morning so it’s pretty hard to get a hold of these guys, right. So, we’re sitting on the street and I’m literally shooting blood out of my arms. I’d ripped my shirt in half and tied myself up. Junior, he’d wore flip-flops to the bar…he lost those at some point in time and stepped on a whole pile of glass, so both of his feet are fucked right up. Senior’s arm’s in half…
So we sit there for a while and Junior’s got the cops going to get us drinks and smokes…they’re lighting us smokes. Junior and his dad still know some of the cops, but it’s not like they’re gonna let us go…this is a pretty big thing. We sit there. Finally an ambulance shows up an hour later. They kinda half-assed bandage us up. We get put in the back of a pick-up truck because that’s what they do down there. We’re sitting in the back, bleeding all over the place.
Now they are gonna take us to their jail or whatever. Not the jail jail, but the holding cells where they process us. They’re taking us there, but first they have to stop off at Junior’s dad’s place because he’s convinced them to go get his iPad, a blanket, and like some shit because…they know who he is but they can’t just let us go. We go to Junior’s dad’s place, he gets some of his things, and then Junior is serving dudes, taking pictures of us and we’re sitting there and everything.
Anyway, we get to the holding cells, smoking darts, damn near going unconscious from being awake for so long without dingers and beers and shit. We’re sitting there at their jail, nurses trying to half-ass patch us up, but it’s shady as fuck. It’s gross. They don’t actually put us inside the holding cells. They keep us outside in the back and we just kinda get to hang out around the truck in the compound. But I remember looking in some of those holding cells and holy shit, it’s like something out of a Mexican prison movie kinda shit…cement and bars… It’s not like where they hold all the sleaze-balls, but it’s where you go before they take you there.
So, six hours later or whatever, we finally get a hold of the police chief… But at this time, it was local cops. Then it got into the next range…the fedarales. Then the army guys. After we finally got released from the processing station cop place, Junior’s dad got it arranged where they took us to one of the private hospitals, so, good nurses, and people were actually looking at us, and they’re cleaning all our cuts. They’re not nice when they are cleaning cuts… The whole fight…that was fuck all…when she was cleaning my open wounds…I wanted to shoot myself. They used freezing and everything. It didn’t feel like it, not one little bit. She’s taking her antiseptic wipes and she’s just drilling it into my open wounds that are…holy fuck. That…that was the worst part of the whole experience. I didn’t give a shit about getting hit with anything…any of that…when she was cleaning those wounds…that was the most painful thing of the whole ordeal. I mean bouncing around in the cop truck, going 90, hitting speed-bumps wasn’t very fun either, but when she was cleaning those gashes…that was no good.
So when we actually got to the hospital, that’s when they actually had the federales come in and look at us. They’re all corrupt, so now they want money. Usually you just pay off one set of cops or whatever, but it’s locals, federales, and then nationals. There are three different kinds of cops watching us.
I think all and all, even knowing the police chief and whatever Junior’s dad knew, I think it still cost him like 15 grand or something to get us out of that. The bar was condemned after, like red tape around the bar for a year. Then somebody else bought it and did something else with it. It was pretty bad. And then his surgeries for his arm…ours were kinda cheap…still probably a thousand bucks each for the cleanings and all the stitches…I probably had close to 30 stitches after the whole ordeal… The bill to get out of that mess, even with knowing people, like 15 grand… If we didn’t know…if I was with somebody else just random or whatever, I’d probably be in jail in Mexico still to this day. It would’ve been bad. Bad things. Bad bad things…