#metoo

The ‘me too’ movement is a serious matter on Facebook right now, in an attempt to bring sexual harassment to light.  It is incredible to see how many women I know who have been sexually harassed.  It is truly sad.  I too have a story about sexual harassment, and I posted it on Facebook with the #metto tag.  I wanted to shine some light on it from a male perspective as well.  This is how it all went down…

21 October at 14:56
Me too.
Standards apply.
Not so long ago, a very unattractive woman crawled into my bed and would not leave me alone. I had zero attraction to her and I told her, “Nope.” Again I told her, “Nope.” I told her “No” and yet she continued and continued to persist. She would not leave me alone. 
Men are portrayed as evil and greedy villains, but it happens the other away around too. However, ‘Haha,’ it is a big joke everyone laughs about it when what are considered to be ‘typical’ roles are reversed. 
In no way am I hurt or emotionally scarred from this event. I honestly could hardly care less about it, but it happens to men and it is probably more common that you think. But it is okay, because I am a man being harassed by a woman. Right?

Below, are the comments that are a result of this post:

Ms. A – I agree with the sentiment, but it doesn’t really matter whether the person is attractive or not. That’s a huge part of the misconception.

Ms. B – You should’ve left out the “very unattractive” part.

Me – Incorrect. It had everything to do with it in this example of my existence. I was as single as could be at that moment, and had I been attracted to her, I would have likely been interested in her which would negate the reason for harassment in all probability. But I was not so I was not.
So, the attraction level directly effects resistance is this situation.
Harassment is harassment in any case. But desire cancels harassment. Desire correlated to attraction. And my having no inclination to be with her based on sexual desire put her in a position to feel the need to harass relentlessly in attempt to get what she wanted to try and break my resistance.
Attraction was everything.

Ms. C – Attraction is everything…to you….because your a man. U would have been good to go if she was up to your standards. She wasn’t u got harassed and that sucks. However had she been up to snuff u would have gotten laid. This is the difference between the way u think and the way I think. I have never rated the harassers on a scale of doable or not. Harassment is harassment.

Ms. B – Agreed 100%, Ms. C. Whether the guy is a -10 or a +10 makes no matter. Unwanted advances are unwanted. Period.
The fear of being overtaken by a man and forced upon is real.

Ms. C – especially in the situation described! I woulda ran from the room, the treat to personal safety in that situation for a woman would have been off the charts. The harassment your describing here is more like my husband trying to get a piece when I have a headache. Even if I say no it’s still a possibility for him lol.

Me – Haha!
Stop harassing me ladies!
Harassment is harassment to be sure. But if you want someone who makes advances, it is not harassment when you acknowledge your consent.
In this case she was not attractive. That is why I did not give my consent. So, this is sexual harassment. Attractiveness is the reason it was non-consensual in this particular situation. The reason I rejected her is actually inconsequential. It is extraneous background as to why it really happened.
What this post started with is sexual harassment by a woman on a man. I only included the attractiveness part because it was the reason that she harassed me. Her sexual advances were unwanted.
This has nothing to do with being a man or being a woman. It is me saying that it happens the other way around as well.

Ms. B – Thank you for sharing your story but please forgive me when I say that you have no idea, and at this point no business pretending that you can relate to the harassment that women endure. Men can be harassed but the story you tell here has none of the qualities of such. Sorry.

Ms. C – Why was she in your bed? What were u wearing? What were the circumstances leading to her in your bed? Did u ask for it? Did u flirt with her? Why would U let her in your bed and then tell her no? Sounds like your a tease. There now u should feel equal, if equality is what your after.
I am aware that it happens the to men too. That’s not what we disputing. However your explanation is lacking. It’s just worded crappy and disrespectful. Like u have made a joke out of the subject. Maybe I just read everything u write with underlying humor lol and that’s my problem I guess.
Question…if u were applying for a dream job and it was important to u to get it…..but the woman doing the hiring (who is like a solid 10, and your single) tells u u have to put out and the job is yours. Are u harassed?

Ms. B – http://www.pajiba.com/miscellaneous/woman-provides-perfect-analogy-for-why-women-dont-like-to-be-hit-on-in-public.php

Me – Ms. C:
Part A:
She crawled in. Underwear. I got drunk with her and a friend. Nope. I did not, she crawled in.  
Part B:
That would totally be harassment.
Do you have her number? 

Ms. A – Dis why you single, bro. Lol

Me – Ms. A, Hahaha!
Well, not exactly!
And don’t call me bro!

Ms. A – This woman presumed consent, which was not given. She is guilty of the harassment, or even assault depending on your experience. Her FKN LOOKS FL NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS. SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU. I don’t care if it was shrek or catwoman Michelle pfieffer. I don’t get how you don’t get this.

Me – I have already been through the looks part. You must have missed that.

Ms. B – don’t call this harassment. In the end, she never forced herself upon you and she probably never shamed you or became abusive for rejecting her.

Me – It has come full circle and that part has become a joke, just like I explained in the beginning. There seems to be more women upset by the fact that I would not sleep with an unattractive women than there are women upset that I was groped unwantedly.
Something to ponder.

Ms. B – It makes me sad that this has all been lost on you. Did this woman scare you? Were you afraid of her?

Me – It has not been lost at all. I have made a valid point here.

Ms. C – U were always in the position of power in your situation. U need to stop talking or Ms. B is gonna loose it. U sound like a fuktard for saying we are upset u wouldn’t shag an ugly chick. Your missing the entire point….which is u were in the position of power.

Ms. B – you never answered my questions.
Thank you, Ms. C. Yes, you got to decide if you kissed, cuddled or frankly, fucked this person….women are much more vulnerable in a position that you described. Again, I’m not denying that women can be a harasser but what you described is simply not that.
….and I’m out. Sorry that we defs don’t see eye to eye on this serious matter. Peace.

Me – I do not think I am wrong here. You may think what you want. The banter is interesting. This is my post, and I am free to express my opinions just as anyone else is. The word ‘Fuktard’ is not appropriate. Lose it if you like.
It does not matter. But, there is a serious double standard here. And if I had never said she was unattractive, you would have never reacted this way. You know that and I know that.

Ms. C – I like the word fuktard….I feel like it’s completely appropriate. I use it daily actually. And I said u sound like fktard not u are one….see the difference there? And u still didn’t answer Ms. B’s question…..in the interest of banter I think u should.

Ms. B – I know I said I’m out but I would really like my questions answered. You can sleep on it if you like but I would really like the answers to those two questions.

Me – I was never afraid for my life. This is about sexual harassment. This is not about rape. My options were not: fight or possible death. But my choices were shaming and humiliating someone to get them to leave me alone. And regardless my physical size (and I know you are getting at the size of males vs the size of females), which is hardly imposing, this happens the other way around as well, which is what I am addressing. But it does not seem to matter. The big deal here to everyone was that she was unattractive. It turned out that as a general rule, people were not interested in her behavior after all.
As I said, I am not haunted by this by any means. I am making a valid point that everyone else ignores. I have never said that this is not an issue. I am saying that it is generally a joke to look at it from the opposite perspective.

Ms. C – We didn’t miss your point. We just wanted u to get ours as well. In the interest of debate right? Hijacking a term women are finding solidarity in is sad. Your creative. Make up one for Men and their perspective!! Maybe women can share….seems unlikely tho. I’m honestly glad this is your worst encounter with sexual harassment. And I hope it stays that way!

Mr. D – THIS! Perfectly said….
I think you have entirely missed the point of the #metoo
Nobody is denying men are harassed also, but we are calling you out for attempting to hijack the hashtag…

Ms. E – while the attention in regards to this is mostly focused on woman, we should also bring awareness that woman are equally to blame. It is a shame that this is overlooked! Good for you that you have the “balls” and I say that lightly to stand out and say something. I am all about equal rights and it doesn’t fall to either side.

Mr. D – Hey buddy, whilst I appreciate and understand the sentiment behind this statement; I can’t help but feel I need to say something….
Firstly, what this woman looks like is entirely irrelevant to the conversation! This is a major issue. You are suggesting whether intentionally or not, that had she been attractive her advances would not be disturbing to you! Part of the #metoo movement is the reality women face daily when it comes to continuous
unwanted advances!
As someone who has been raped before, I still feel as though I have no right to join this movement…
similar to the blacklivesmatter movement being shouted down by the “alllivesmatter” hashtag, I do not feel as though us men have the right to appropriate the metoo hashtag!
To do so is yet another example of men attempting to dilute women’s experiences and render them not as important!
I agree men’s rights are an issue also, but should not be used to diminish women’s…

Me – Everyone calm down! 😉
It did not matter if she was attractive or not. She was not. But that is not relevant. It is just a part of the story. Had I not put the words ‘very unattractive’ in there, this would not have blown up.
Sorry. But I did not know I was going to have to bubble wrap that part for everyone. Sorry, I am not a millennial. I am old school and I still sometimes refer to people as attractive or unattractive.

Mr. – D – That’s a cop out, I’m 41 and don’t need “bubblewrapping”… you’re deflecting!
The fact you referred to how she looked is absolutely a problem! Part of understanding gender equality is realising that as men we feel the need to comment on women’s appearance when it has no relevance!
I also think sexual harassment is not an issue to be flippant about either…
However semantics aside, the real issue here is that as men we do not have the right to hijack the #metoo hashtag…
It’s the equivalent of straight people demanding a “straight get Mardi Gras”

Ms. F – a. not sure how deflecting towards insulting millennials is at all going to help your argument b. you’re making a pretty heavy assumption that women who have been abused or harassed would then turn around and think it’s a joke if a man is treated the same way. I assure you I would not, and do not…and I feel I am in the majority, what kind of a-holes are you hanging out with that would laugh at any abuse or harassment survivor no matter their gender? c. Ieft your post having received the message that because you didn’t feel uncomfortable or afraid that then the rest of us shouldn’t in a similar situation, did you mean to send that message? d. referring to this person as “unattractive” seems to imply that if the person harassing or abusing is attractive then somehow it’s ok. Please do not further that narrative, it’s dangerous.

Mr. G – Same thing happened to me with a woman but sadly I gave in

Ms. H – Just because i see the reaction in the comments i wanna say something.
Few years ago i had the opportunity to read a great research about how men are generally harassed or abused by their wifes/mothers/etc at home.
The problem was no man ever asked for help or even talked about their issues. Instead we should encourage them to speak and tell them its ok to be weak sometimes.
There are so many men that would never ask for help or even say they where raped/harassed in fear of feeling week in public.

Ms. I – I feel like you mentioning her being unattractive might have upset people but I don’t at all think it’s irrelevant.
I do think an important distinction to make is that for the most part, sleeping dudes are generally pretty happy to be woken up for sex and (for good reasons) women really aren’t unless it’s from a trusted significant other. That’s very generalized and I can’t speak for everyone but for the most part it’s true.
I think you’ve missed the mark with your attempt to share your experience. You were annoyed by the situation but were you frightened? Had you found her attractive you would have happily accepted her advances. Women sharing their #metoo statuses are speaking up about sexual harassment, assault and violence in an effort to shine some light on just how common these experiences are.

Ms. J – so many points to make.
1. men are not portrayed as evil greedy villains—rapists are.
2. you say “in no way am i hurt or emotionally scarred from this event.” then this does not fall under #metoo. you are not hurt or scarred because you were still in control of the situation, you were in the power position.
3. what if this woman had been a man, twice your size who had crawled into bed with you and was making advances? THAT is the big difference here. if your harasser could have easily physically overpowered you, held you down, had their way with you despite you telling him no… think about that. because THAT is what women go through. that is why, when women go through this, there is no way we “couldn’t care less.” seriously, just replay that whole situation in your head but replace your “unattractive woman” with a 6’ tall man with an erection and then ask yourself if you should still be sharing this story under #metoo.

Ms. H – Still instead of encouraging men to speak up about domestic violence u all try to stop him. I completely disagree with u, i was talking about all these comments to a friend who used to work in a hospital, u cannot imagine how many men showed up with broken heads, no one ever files a report.

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Well Lynch Mob…
I finally have some time to properly respond.  This has been pretty interesting.  And I knew this would have a controversial reaction.  I want to thank everyone who has responded here and participated.  It is a touchy subject that evokes a lot of emotion, and of that there was plenty.  Your emotion shines through and it has been great to read.  So, thanks for your words.

I told a little story, about how I was sexually harassed by a woman.  I am not talking about physical violence.  I am talking about harassment.  The whole story was true, and it all happened the way it was described.  I posted the story to show that a man can also be sexually harassed.  I decided to share my story as well on the #metoo.  And look what happened…  Those of you who understood and took it in stride, thanks.  I really appreciate it.  I know you know I was and am not looking for sympathy.  I was sharing a story.  It has validity to this movement.  But, the majority of the responses on here were something of an attack, mostly by females who essentially made it clear that my story had no value.  Look at those comments.  Women complain that they do not have a voice when it comes to this and no one wants to listen.  But then when a man wrote something about this #metoo, he was told to shut up.  The hypocrisy was pretty amazing.

The general response here was that people were more angry that I described the woman as ‘very unattractive’ than they were that I was unwantedly groped by a woman in a bed.  No one seemed to care that I was groped by a woman that I did not want touching me.  Just think about that for a moment…  I was told to shut up when telling my story about this situation and while defending myself about being felt up.  And an overwhelming result was anger, mostly because I made reference to her appearance.

At first I wondered if I should include the words ‘very unattractive,’ but I am really glad I included that part now, because of what that brought for responses.  Those two words of extraneous information brought out a lot of emotion from so many people.  Sexual harassment is sexual harassment.  And no matter how I viewed the appearance of this person, I was sexually harassed.  That is the point I was making.  So I used the #metoo tag.  I was told that I was not allowed to.  Without intent of trying to diminish anything, I had no idea that the tag was gender specific.  What about the equal rights everyone wants?  A man is not allowed to use that hashtag about sexual harassment?  I am aware that my own situation is far less common, but I was raising awareness that this happens to men as well.  And, I was stomped on for doing so.

I never missed the point of any of this.  But the response certainly made a point.  It has been a great debate with some very interesting thoughts.

Though this incident did not affect me, I was a victim in the story, but by the end of the comments I had been painted as if I was some kind of culprit.  I find it all very interesting.  Imagine if I had told the exact same story, but I reversed the roles so that they were what are considered to be ‘typical’ in this situation.  Imagine the story where I crawled into bed with a woman who did not want me in a bed with her and I groped at her.  She resisted me and told me not to and yet I persisted.  And she rejected me.  And I persisted and kept at her with my hands all over her body and in her under he clothes.  And she rejected me and told me to go.  And I persisted…  Is that not sexual harassment?  Because that is exactly what happened.  But, as I said in the story itself, it is treated as a joke in a role of woman vs man.  And that is essentially what happened here.  This was treated as a joke and I was chastised, by many of you.

I am not going to tell you that I am completely innocent of situations like this either.  I think of two scenarios, one where I went too far and one where I was a perfect gentleman.  In the former, I pushed a woman further than I should have in a circumstance very similar to the one described.  She was in my bed but she did not want me.  I wanted her.  Like the situation above, there is no denying that I harassed her.  Eventually we fell asleep.  The next day I felt terrible about my pursuit.  Four nights later she invited me over to her house…  In the later situation where I was a perfect gentleman, I met with a crush at a bar.  We partied and she took me home with her.  In her bed that night, she told me, “Don’t try and f*ck me, Stephen Harris.”  So, I did not.  I was a perfect gentleman and went to sleep.   A month or two later I moved overseas and years later when I returned, I met that same girl at a bar.  It was amazing to see her again.  She was with her fiancée as she had recently engaged, and when he was in the bathroom, she told me, in these exact same words burned into my mind that I still hear with her voice, “Stephen Harris, you should have f*@#&d me when you had the chance!”  I said, “But you told me not to!”  She said, “Yeah, well…”  She was telling me that I should have been persistent to her resistance.

I am not sure what the answer is to any of this.  Nothing is black and white.  I am just telling things from a male perspective.  But, perhaps I am straying too much from the heart of the initial post here…

Contrary to popular opinion on my personal Facebook page that I have missed the point, I have missed zero points.  Some new points have been made though all of this sharing.

But, before some of you corner me and burn me at the stake, I want to thank everyone again who took the time and got involved in this.  This conversation and banter was really interesting, and I knew it would light fireworks.  This is a topic that should be discussed and light should be shone on this to bring awareness.  Of that, there is no doubt.

Thanks again for the participation.  And for those of you who have dealt with the terror of having something far worse than what I have described happen to them, my heart goes out to you.