Popayán: My Crazy Sex Life
Popayán: My Crazy Sex Life.
I have found the source. You know that ideology you have in your head about beautiful Latin-American women and you have a vague idea of where they are from but you can not pin-point the place? Well, it turns out that place is Colombia. It is crazy out there. The skinny ones are pretty. The chubby ones are pretty. If you like shopping, Colombia is two weeks before Christmas. Welcome to my crazy sex life.
I went for a walk around town but I was easily distracted and was sort of walking with no purpose. A homeless man was smoking pot and beautiful women with a good amount of skin showing were everywhere. If you make semi-aggressive eye contact, the rewards are great and you will feel return contact of that beautiful woman’s eyes several more times until contact is no longer attainable. I am a becoming an instant fan of Colombia. There were even black people around. I have not seen people of African descent since I was in Brazil. It is nice to see variety in people. When I found that I had no aim for the day I went to the Museum of Natural History in town for just under $2. It was surprisingly very good even though I am sure there have been no updates to anything since the 1990’s. There were so many incredible Colombian-native bird specimens in there that it made me think that there are more birds in Colombia than I would have previously imagined existed in the whole of North America. I guess I need more bird education.
I cleaned up and put on a new pair of jeans and had my favorite shirt tailored to fit me. It is amazing what new clothes will do for a man’s confidence as he heads out for the night. I walked around in search of a fun drinking establishment but the first three places I looked in were all crowded with numbers like 20 men drinking and 2 women sitting in the corner. When I found a bar with a small crowd outside I looked in and it was full of women. There were about 15 women in the bar and only two guys and I was one of them! I thought that I had hit the jackpot until I noticed that several of the women were making-out. I was in a lesbian bar. Nothing too good is ever quite what it seems.
I sat at the bar, made friends with the guy sitting there and the girl sitting with him. The girl and the girl bartender kept on making-out. They asked me if it made me uncomfortable. I told them I was pretty cool with it. I met Stephanie, my favourite girl in the bar and told her she was beautiful in Spanish. She was not taken in by my attempted charm and disappeared to dance with a chubby lesbian. Then a woman came up to me named Anna who told me in broken English, “I seen you when you came and I thought, ‘He is lost.’” She told me I was in a lesbian bar. I informed her that I was intelligent enough to be able to figure that out after I had drank a couple of beer. When I told Anna that I though Stephanie was beautiful, Anna exclaimed to me, “Whoa! You must not say anything. Most of the girls in here are in relationships with other girls. I think it is necessary to tell you that.” I appreciated her information/warning.
I have been unearthing some gems lately. Getting off the gringo trail has been crazy. The gringo trail is very generic. A bunch of white people getting drunk with a bunch of white people in foreign lands. Where is the character in that?
When I realized after four beer that girls in a lesbian bar were not going to like me, I said goodbye to my friends at the bar and headed for the door. As soon as I walked outside a group of women gathered around the door began talking to me and asking me questions. I tried to fake my Spanish until we used a mix of English and Spanish to communicate. An absolutely gorgeous girl named Natalia, 23, was really hanging around and talking to me. I asked her if she was a lesbian. She told me that she is bisexual. Excellent news! I could see curiosity in her. Everyone else had returned to the bar and Natalia and I were leaned against the outside of the building. I seen it in her eyes so I went for it and made-out with her. Then we made out a lot. She had a lesbian friend named Glory, 26, who kept on checking on us. Glory seemed jealous of me and I felt that she did not like me. I made friends with others as Natalia and I were hanging onto each other. We went into the bar so I could use the toilet and we were making out in the corner of the bar. I was making out with a gorgeous bisexual in a lesbian bar… That is some crazy shit! I was glowing at my luck and potential for my crazy sex life. My friends who were still sitting at the bar were looking at me and smiling at my situation and likely glow I was exhuberating. Later in the evening as we were outside again, a lesbian fight broke out inside the bar. The only part of that fantasy missing was that the lesbians were not fighting over me… A man can only hope that it will eventually happen someday in his crazy sex life.
When the bar closed, I got into a cab with two girls; a gorgeous bisexual and a lesbian… Crazy. We went to another bar where Natalia wanted to dance, and I showed her that I can barely. Porn was playing on the television in the bar. I bought my girls beer. Glory told me that I should take Natalia because she was a ready woman. The three of us went to another bar. Glory asked me if I wanted to stay at her house. I readily agreed assuming that was where I would be taking Natalia. I had to pose for about 50 pictures that Natalia wanted of me which Glory was really tired of taking. As we left the last bar we began walking in the opposite direction from my hostel. Natalia and I were holding hands and she was telling me that I am a crazy man. She told me that she loves me. We stopped in front of a house and the girls began hugging and saying goodnight to each other. I assumed we were at Glory’s and that Natalia was going to take me to her house instead. Suddenly Natalia was saying goodnight to me, hugging me and kissing me. We were at Natalia’s house and she was going in without me. I asked what was happening and she told me that she has to go home or her father will get angry. What?? What was going on? I was being left. Fuck I need to learn Spanish. I was not pleased with this new twist of surprise. She vanished into the house.
I thought I would just head to my hostel as the night was over but Glory told me that I was coming to her house as I had promised I would stay over. The luxury fantasy of having a gringo in your house… I reluctantly agreed but saw no sense in going home with a lesbian to have a shitty sleep in my clothes when I could go to my hostel where my things were. As we got close to Glory’s house in a very shady looking neighbourhood there was a group of people gathered on the corner. Glory told me I would be safe with her, but we were going to have to play the game that I was her boyfriend. As we approached four dudes and made our ‘hello’s in Spanish one of them handed me a bottle of alcohol that he told me to drink from. I took it and had to explain my situation of being a Canadian travelling in their country. They were dangerous looking creatures. Everyone was in their 20’s, but one of them was missing most of his teeth and another of them had scars all over his face. It was scary. There was a chubby woman with them who was asking me a lot of questions. I am sure they would have kicked my ass and took everything in my pockets had I not been with Glory.
I was busy thinking about the time dad and I were in a really rough Indian bar in Wolf Point, Montana, where massive natives were staring at us but we had befriended a female in the bar and my father told me that a man is always safe if he has a good woman on his side. I hung onto that thought as Glory and I drank hard liquor from the bottle with the tough crowd. She re-confirmed that I was safe with her. She was sitting on my lap in a chair and I had my arms around her. She took my hands and squeezed them against her. No problem, I can act the part so I squeezed her back. I was offered weed and one of the guys was snorting coke that he wanted to share with me. I showed him my straight finger and folded it limply. I told him cocaine would not be good for me and my crazy sex life. He smiled me and a girl sitting on my lap in understanding. Eventually, Glory and I headed up to her apartment.
I was tired and drunk so we both crawled into her bed. She was touchy. Really? I thought she had been fairly receptive to my act-touch when she was my ‘girlfriend’ sitting on my lap downstairs with the tough crowd… So, I made out with her. Then things built up fast. And things just carried on building and then I sex with her… A lesbian… A 26 year old lesbian! A night of conversion! My crazy sex life is amazing! I went from making out with a bisexual girl for most of the night to sleeping with a lesbian. Technically, that makes her a fairly lousy lesbian, but life is a crazy journey with a script that no one could ever think to write.