“The Bloodhound Gang are Wankers!”
“The Bloodhound Gang are Wankers!”
-Live transcript of Mr. Bob Slayer.
Anyone ever heard of a band called Electric Eel Shock? There is a reason why you haven’t. The reason why you haven’t heard of Electric Eel Shock is because I managed them. And I may have held them back. But they are a fantastic band, from Japan. I toured with them from 2003, and I’m still a little bit involved. I fired myself. They are too nice to fire me. And I fired myself ’cause I thought I was holding them back.
Anyone heard of a band called The Arctic Monkeys? I turned them down. It wasn’t last week. If they asked me again I would probably say, ‘Yes,’ but it’s not likely to happen. It was in Sheffield in….2005…I want to say… I’m not exactly sure. Um, 2004…2005… Electric Eel Shock were playing Sheffield, and the local support band was some little 15-year-old lads called The Arctic Monkeys. After the gig, the lead singer, Alex, came up to me and he gave me a handmade CD, handwritten – I’ve still got it at home – and he said, ‘Will you manage us?’ I mean, they didn’t actually look at me and go, “Right, he’s exactly the manager we want.” They were just desperate, right. You could’ve walked in there and they would’ve asked you. ‘Will you manage us?’ I said, ‘You were quite good…’ Hahmmm. Patted little Alex Turner on the head, said, ‘You were quite good. But right now I am really busy with Electric Eel Shock…Who are going to be massive.’
So, you call tell from this that I did indeed hold The Eel Shock back. And The Arctic Monkeys, they went on to be massive didn’t they. They went on to sell millions of records, back when that was possible and you could make loads of money out of it. …10% of that, just 10%… I would’ve been alright, wouldn’t I? 10% of it…
They also went on to headline every festival in the known universe. That’s where the big money is. Tea in the Park, Glastonbury, Reading and Leeds, Roskilde Festival, Lollapalooza in America, Big Day Out in Australia… That’s where the big money is and 10% of that… That would be alright wouldn’t it? And then Little Alex, the guy I patronized and patted on the head, he went on to have sex with a model and TV presenter, Alexa Chung. 10% of that would’ve been alright wouldn’t it?
I want you to know, even if I had managed The Arctic Monkeys, and all the money and everything, I’d still be here on top of a bus keeping it real with you! The only difference would be that none of you would have ever heard of the Arctic Monkeys. … A reeeeaaally shitty manager…. But, but I have a plan. This bus is actually made out of aluminium. What we’re gonna do is get up to 88 miles an hour. Just as we’re headed into the town-hall clock… We’ll turn it into a time machine. That’s what we’re doing! Back to the Future. We’re gonna go back in time, I’m gonna manage Justin Bieber, and I’m gonna wipe that prick off the face of the Earth as well…
Who here has ever heard of a band called The Bloodhound Gang?
So, I’d toured with them, and got to meet The Bloodhound Gang. I mean, The Bloodhound Gang… Haha. The cleverest idiots you will ever meet. Ah, they were wonderful. Evil Jared the bass player, he’s well known and he’s very aware that he’s only in the band for his beautiful torso, which he will get out at the drop of a hat. He’s not the best at playing bass. The fact that he has to have the notes written down in front of him and all that… He also has a laser pointer on his bass. He’d be point at a girl. She’d get a wristband and she’d be at the after-show. There’s free Jägermeister and as much free lube as you can rub on yourself.
So, do you remember when the smoking ban came in and you couldn’t smoke in venues anymore? The venues took a little while to work out, “Shit, how we gonna do this when you can’t smoke in the venues?” And it was like they hadn’t set up to do pass outs where you could go out into a smoking area outside. Basically it’d just come in and we were doing gigs that tour. The people’d come in, but they couldn’t get out for a cigarette. If they went out they wouldn’t get back in. That made people…rather cross. Particularly when The Bloodhound Gang went, ‘Fuck it, we’re smoking…’ They smoked on stage their first gig in London, and then the Academy Venues, they threatened, ‘Well, we’re fining you £2,000 for smoking onstage.’ The tour manager went, ‘No no no…you can’t. You can’t,’ and he managed to negotiate, as long as they didn’t smoke again on any of the rest of the dates that were also in Academy Venues. Then they wouldn’t be fined. So, it was basically, they were bound over to be on good behavior. If they were on good behavior they wouldn’t get fined and the initial find would be cancelled. But if they did it again then they would be fined double. £4000.
The tour manager put me in charge of stopping them smoking. ‘I can’t control The Bloodhound Gang, They’re all idiots… Absolute….’ And he goes, ‘No no no, here you go. Here is a bucket of water. What I want you to do is stand on the side of the stage, and if they smoke, just throw a bucket of water over them. And I went, ‘Well, elec… Electrical… Electrical instruments… Isn’t? Isn’t that a bit dangerous?’ He said, ‘Oh yea. Deadly. But at least it will stop them smoking.’
So I stood there with this bucket, and The Bloodhound Gang came out and they started talking about the smoking ban to the audience, ‘You can’t smoke.’ And they are pointing at me going, ‘He’s the one stopping us all! He’s the man.’ Fifteen-hundred people…just directing pure hatred at me! They would continue this between every song and the crowd are booing me non-stop.
I wasn’t having fun at this gig because of the whole fifteen-hundred people hating on me, ‘He’s the man! He’s stopping us smoking.’ And then, half way through a song, they just stopped the song. The Bloodhound Gang all at once, as if they have planned this which I highly suspect they had, put down their instruments and Jimmy Pop, the lead singer, said, ‘Well, we can go for a cigarette. …We’re the band!’ And I’m going, “Ai. Ahem. I mean I was told to stop them smoking. I mean… They can. But… What?” And they all just went, ‘Yea, alright,’ and they all filed out, to go out the back for a cigarette. And then Jimmy Pop just goes, ‘Umm, the man,’ me, ‘Will entertain you while we’re away.’ Not the best build-up! And they were going, ‘BOOOO!’ Jimmy Pop pushes me up to the mic and the crowd was really rather hostile to say the least! Then just in case they had forgotten, Jimmy Pop reminds them ‘You can’t go anywhere.’ They couldn’t go anywhere. I mean they could, but they couldn’t get back in. And then just before Jimmy Pop sidles off, he says…just give it a bit more impetuous and urgency, ‘Feel free to throw stuff at him.’
I think they were going to anyway and they did throw a lot of stuff at me. They threw a lot of stuff… And The Bloodhound Gang came back from their cigarette and I am soaked. The stage is soaked. They found that hilarious. Ohhh. They didn’t mind that there was beer-cups in their amps and half of it was knackered. That didn’t matter. That was worth it, whatever damage was done and they were happy. Because, you know, something had bounced off my head and my eyebrow was bleeding…they loved that…you know… That was their idea of heaven. So I knew they were gonna do it again the next night.
So I thought, I needed to take control of this situation, “Right, I’d better write some jokes. I’d better think about what I’m gonna say.” I hadn’t been on stage. That, ‘Feel free to throw stuff at him,’ was my first time really performing to an audience. And though I had no idea what I was doing, I’d felt totally alive! So then, second day, I go out and, ‘We’re off for a cigarette. The man will entertain you. Feel free to throw stuff at him…,’ and I go straight in to something that I’ve prepared. If anything…they threw stuff harder. And it was warm. Cups of warm liquid. I don’t know what it could be. Salty brine, running down my face. Some of it sweet and I thought, “Hmm, he’s got diabetes.” And they’d come back on with, ‘Hahahaha!’ The third night, I knew they were going to do it again, so I did what any sane person would do…. I hid.
I didn’t want to go through that again. I’d been hit in the face with cups of piss. That is no fun. But, The Bloodhound Gang, once they have an idea, they are determined little bastards. The sent out a search party ’round this venue. They have a very loyal crew. They might abuse them and make them clean up after them but they also know how to look after them… Like every night when they’d go into their song, ‘Dear Chasey Lane, I wrote to explain, you’ve had a lot of dick, I’ve had a lot of time, you’ve had a lot of dick, Chasey, but you ain’t had mine…’
That song… It’s a letter Jimmy Pop wrote to a pornstar. Then there’s a bit in it where they go, ‘Now show ‘em them titties.’ It’s just in the breakdown before they go into that, and just before they go into the, ‘Now show ‘em them titties,’ that the whole Bloodhound Gang crew would sidle onto the stage. The band’d sing, ‘Show ‘em them titties,’ and half of the women in the audience would get their tits out. We, the crew, would all take photos, and then we’d sidle off again and go back to whatever we were supposed to be doing. Lovely… It was our bit of fun every day. That is how you get a loyal crew.
That same crew that spent an hour searching the venue to find me. The drum-tech found me hiding in a water tank. Three of them got a hold of me and they gaffa-taped me to an office chair… one of those with wheels on it. And so when Jimmy Pop said, ‘The man will entertain you,’ they wheeled me out, gaffa-taped to the chair. They’d mic’d me up and said, ‘Feel free to throw stuff at him,’ and off they went for their cigarette.
And people didn’t… There were a few things that got thrown. But they were a bit… And I just went, ‘I really hate The Bloodhound Gang,’ and it got laughter. And people stopped throwing stuff. They dynamic completely changed. I’m not the man. I couldn’t be the man. I’m gaffa-taped to a chair. And I went, “Oh? Oh!…” And I said, ‘Do you want to hear what wankers they are?’ People said, ‘Yes!’ So I told stories for the next ten minutes about touring with The Bloodhound Gang. Like this one, ‘The first time I met them, the first gig on the tour I ever did, I was sent to go upstairs, go to their dressing room and tell them they were due on stage. So I went upstairs, I opened the door, and there they were. There was Jimmy Pop, there was Evil Jarred, there was Lupus Thunder, there was Willie the New Guy…they’ve all got stupid names. They’re all sat there, and I said, “It’s time to go onstage,” because I can follow simple instructions. Jimmy Pop went, “Yes.” Willie the New Guy said, “Yes.” Lupus Thunder said, “Yes.” Evil Jarred said, “Yes.” They all said yes, and I just went, “Okay,” and I’ve done my job, and as I went to close the door the coffee table looked up at me and said, “Yes.” And I looked down but in the momentum the door’s closed. So I knocked again, opened the door, and I looked, and sure enough I had seen correctly. The coffee table was a naked lady on all fours smiling up at me. There was a sausage in her arse.’ The little scamps. Can you guess where we were? Frankfurt! It is obvious isn’t it? Guess what was in her bum, the next night, when we were in Hamburg?
So I would tell these stories. The audience were laughing and I said, ‘Look, can someone come and un-tape me?’ And someone came onstage and un-taped me and I said, ‘Look. They’re gonna be back here in a minute, and they’ll be cross. And I mean good…I’ve won tonight.’ I said, ‘But there’s a little bit more to this victory. I’ll stay sat on the chair. And when they all get back onstage, I’ll stand up and we’ll all sing a song that I’ve written for them. Here are the words. “The Bloodhound Gang are wankers.” Next line, “The Bloodhound Gang are wankers.” Repeat.’ The Bloodhound Gang came on and we all sang. It was lovely. That was my first successful gig. And fair play to them, they laughed. I’d got one over them, but there were six more dates on that tour. The next night I went out, “I can do this now.” No, they were back to chucking stuff.
On the next tour, they were doing a bit where in between songs Jimmy Pop would just start going into playing a little bit of Dépêche Mode’s ‘Enjoy the Silence’ on an acoustic guitar. Evil Jarred, the bass player, would say, ‘Stop playing Dépêche Mode.’ Jimmy Pop would start the next song and then in between the next song he would play a bit more Dépêche Mode. Evil Jarred would say, ‘If you play Dépêche Mode one more time, I will piss on you.’ And sure enough, we all know what happened. In the break for the next song, Jimmy Pop started playing Dépêche Mode. So Evil Jarred, he got a box. It was a flight-case. And he pushed it slowly across the stage so it was behind Jimmy Pop, playing Dépêche Mode. He’s stood on the box. Jimmy Pop would be playing Dépêche Mode and then Evil Jarred would get his lad out, he’d take Jimmy Pop’s cap off and he’d piss on him. Simple band. Very funny. Audiences loved it. When he’d finish pissing on him, he’d put his cap back on. The beautiful thing was that Jimmy Pop wouldn’t look behind him at Evil Jared at any time… When Evil Jarred started to piss on him Jimmy Pop would go from Dépêche Mode. This was the signal to go into the next song. It was choreographed, beautifully. The next song was, “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don’t need no water, burn motherfucker, burn.” He’s been singing that, whilst being pissed on, and a roadie would come out and he would light up the arch of piss. You could have rainbows. It was a sight to behold. I mean, if you did it at a performing arts festival, you’d win an award. It was a wonderful thing.
One day, in Copenhagen, Jimmy Pop is playing Dépêche Mode. Evil Jarred says, ‘If play Dépêche Mode, I’ll piss on you.’ Jimmy Pop plays a bit more Dépêche mode and then Evil Jarred pushes the box over. During this, just like every other night, my role’d often be to stand next to the promoter going, ‘No, he won’t really piss on him…’ The promoter’s going, ‘What’s going on?!’ ‘No, don’t worry, he won’t really piss on him… Won’t really piss on him…’ And then when he pissed on him I’d say, ‘Oh, sorry. He has done today…very sorry,’ and I’d have to give him some money to shut him up so he didn’t stop the show. You know, it’s only a bit of piss. And then the roadies would come over and wipe it up and he’d piss on them as well.
This day, he’s up on the box, he’s took his lad out, he’s gone to piss…nothing comes out. Just a hiss of steam. It’d been a long hot day and perhaps he was a tad dehydrated. You could see him. He’s trying. He’s trying to piss. He’s trying to piss and he can’t. And he’s got nothing there. And he gone a bit bashful then. And we’re laughing. And, Jimmy Pop’s going, ‘Well, you’ve normally pissed on me by now?’ And he’s still playing Dépêche Mode. And Evil Jarred’s face is going, ‘I can’t, can’t, piss on him…’ And all the audience is going, ‘…Why isn’t he pissing on him?’ The only person who is happy is the promoter who I’d said, ‘No, he won’t piss on him…’ And he’s going, ‘Oh good, he won’t will he!’ He thought it was going to plan. It wasn’t. Jimmy Pop is getting to a part of the Dépêche Mode song he’s never played before. He’s running out of song. He’s like an airplane, trying to take off, and his wheels won’t come up and he’s running out of runway. And Jimmy Pop’s face is going, “Hah. Jarred? Why isn’t he? Pissing?” And you can see, Evil Jarred still going, “I can’t piss on him?! I can’t piss on him?!” And Evil Jarred is a simple man, and he has an idea. And I see that idea on his face and I knew what the idea was, I went, “Oh my god…” And then suddenly he put his hand down the back of his trousers… We all know what’s coming… He pulls his hand out and there is something in his hand… A lump of shit! He took Jimmy Pop’s hat off…I liked it when he did that. That was one of my favorite…He put his poo on Jimmy Pop’s head, and he put his cap back on.
Jimmy Pop, he was just getting to the end of the runway when the poo arrived on his head. He didn’t know what was on his head. He was just happy that he had the signal to go into the next song, “Roof is on Fire.” He’d been waiting to do that. We’re two minutes over. He grins, ‘The roof, the roof is on fire…’ He still hadn’t realized what was on his head at this point. Evil Jarred is happy. He goes over and picks up his bass guitar. The audience…fuck me they’re ecstatic. This is the best thing they’ve ever seen. The only person not happy is the promoter. And I did say he wouldn’t piss on him… Sorry…and I give him some money. It was a beautiful thing…
It wasn’t quite over there. That should’ve been it. That’s funny enough. Jimmy Pop is there, singing with poo running down his face. You can tell by the grimace that now he know’s what it is. It should be enough. It wasn’t. Evil Jarred’s got his bass guitar. He’s playing…remember, he doesn’t know the notes. He looks down to see the notes. At the same time as looking down, he glances past his white bass guitar. It’s covered in poo. Shit smeared all over his white bass guitar. That causes him to vomit. The roadies immediately come and start wiping up the vomit, at which point, he vomits ontop of the roadies. It was the most beautiful thing… I’m just there with the promoter, ‘Sorry! Sorry!’ The most beautiful thing… What more do you need?
That’s The Bloodhound Gang!